When Life Gives You Lemons Don't Throw Them Back

I’ll be honest with you. I’ve really struggled since we moved back to Tennessee.

A few weeks before we left Colorado, Seth and I had several conversations about whether it was actually a good idea for us to move back because he could tell I was feeling extremely resistant. I was packing our lives into boxes, saying goodbye to our friends and planning for what was coming, but my heart wasn’t in it. Every time we talked about it I feigned enthusiasm or tried because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or ruin everything he’d been working toward. He was so excited about the possibilities that were ahead and I could only focus on one thing: I didn’t want to leave our home.

I was born and raised in Tennessee, but Colorado was home to me. It was the first place Seth and I chose to put our roots down together and it was scary as hell, but we did it. We moved across the country with no plans, no jobs and hardly any money. All we had was a dream in our hearts to experience something more and we chased that dream all the way to Denver. The mountains took hold of my soul the second we got there and refused to let go. The elevation literally took my breath away, but I felt like I could breathe for the first time in my life. My heart hurt just thinking about leaving and it pushed me to denial.

I lived in that denial for far too long. As we passed the “Welcome to Tennessee” sign my heart sank and I realized the hole I had dug myself into with no idea how to get out. I was sad, angry, embarrassed and confused and I took it all out on Seth, which pissed me off even more. The man I vowed to love and support for the rest of my life finally had an opportunity to make his dream a reality and there I was fighting it, making everything so damn hard, and for what? My mind held on so tight to the idea that home is a place. So tight I can’t tell you how many fights I subconsciously picked with Seth because my heart was aching and I didn’t know how to tell him. I was afraid to admit how I felt because I didn’t want to take away from his excitement or devalue his passion or make him feel guilty for wanting to chase something for himself. I thought I was being selfless wallowing silently in my martyrdom, keeping it all inside, but nothing good ever comes when you try to hide your true feelings.

In retrospect, I can recognize how afraid I was of change. I had clung to the certainty that Colorado was our home and never once considered we might actually leave. I got comfortable there and lost my hunger for adventure so when an opportunity knocked on our door I got scared and ran away. I refused to welcome it in and acknowledge how good it could be for us. I was so afraid of coming out of our little bubble and that fear kept me from embracing something that has been such a blessing for my little family. We’ve grown so much over the past eight months and I’m not sure if that would’ve happened had we stayed in Colorado.

I still miss it. I dream of the mountains and the crisp, cool air, and I see small reminders of it everywhere. My heart longs to be surrounded by the Rockies again, but it doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s a longing I know will be fulfilled someday, but for now, I’m embracing my current environment and living my life no longer weighed down by the negativity of trying to shut out change. I am open to receiving all of life’s beautiful little blessings. Even the ones my ego would have me believe are a curse. Fear hasn’t left me. We walk side-by-side every day, but I'm choosing to be courageous and learn from my fears instead of letting them control me.